I know it’s kind of nosey, but I always find it so interesting to learn when people’s parents totally cut them off. I have friends who are almost 30 years old and their parents pay for everything, and I have other friends who have been totally on their own since they were 18. My parents definitely hit somewhere in the middle. They paid for my apartment and sent me $200/month in college, which I used to go to the movies and buy Chinese food.
However, they really started pulling back when I started graduate school at age 21. I remember telling my mom about my rent in my new grad school apartment, wondering if she would pay for it. She basically said she would help me with the first month since I had some moving expenses, and after that, I was on my own. However, when my car broke, my parents pitched in for repairs, and then they paid for my beautiful wedding when I was 22. (Yep, I was a youngin’!)
I had a credit card that was my parents until just before my wedding day. I used it only for help with gas and the occasional dance class that I wanted to take, but I never abused it, which is part of the reason they let me have it for so long. However, a few days before my wedding, my mom asked for the card back. She said my dad would have asked for it back at the altar as a joke but decided to not go that route. (Sidenote: My dad did announce to my husband that there was a “no return policy” when he gave me away!)
All in all, I think I was pretty lucky. I never took my parents for granted, and I never wanted to ask them for too much. In fact, I couldn’t wait to get independent so that they’d be proud of me for being on my own and so that they could focus their extra money on my little brother, who is still in college.
I would say I’m completely independent from my parents financially today. They do pay for some of my student loan interest every month, so that all my payments go to the principal. That has been a huge help, and they’re happy to do it since Hurricane Katrina completely devastated our home literally the day I started college as a freshman, so they had a lot of unexpected expenses and a rough few years while I was in college. Now that things are better, they are able to help with the interest a bit so that I can knock it out faster.
My husband had the opposite experience. He paid for all of his expenses starting at age 18, including his car, insurance, school, etc. I think we’ve both turned out just fine despite the different ways we went through our early 20s. So, I’m not sure what the right answer is in terms of the perfect time to cut your kids off, and I’m sure I’ll have more opinions on it when I have children of my own!
I’m interested in hearing about your experiences. When did you get cut off? Were you ready at the time that it happened?
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That’s an interesting question, and since my kids are only 4 and 2 I haven’t spent much time thinking about it for myself.
When I was 17 I got my first full-time job but I still lived with my parents, so they provided me with a room and meals. But I think that was the age I was on my own technically. I didn’t move out until I was 22 though, that’s when I bought my own house, so I guess you’d call it a “soft” roll-out?
fipilgrim Yeah I think I was on a bit of a soft roll out too! That’s interesting!
I was cut off the fall after I finished grad school. I think my brother got the same treatment. He got a downpayment loan from my parents and has to pay them back for the vehicle that was a requirement for his final year of vet school. My spouse and I got a downpayment loan from my in-laws, so it’s all kind of the same.
Ugifter Oh yeah I feel like it all evens out in the end. :D
I’m kind of in the same boat as you to where I was the one wanting to cut myself off. My parents were very generous through college and my year of grad school. Once I left school and moved in with my husband (then, boyfriend) I insisted on paying all of my own expenses since we were two adults with good jobs living on our own. My dad still tries to give me a little “spending money” when he comes to visit and I usually just save it for date nights or until another family member comes in town and spend it on them. ;)
myeverydaylifeblog Aww your dad sounds sweet!
BudgetBlonde myeverydaylifeblog He is! Lol. Even if it’s a little embarassing at times. :)
I’m 45. Can you get my parents to un-cut me off, Cat? That’d be awesome. ;-)
AverageJoeMoney Bahahaha. Wouldn’t that be nice? Sometimes I do wonder why I wanted to be so independent so soon. It was nice not to have to pay so many bills, lol!
I don’t think I’ll ever be cut off from my parents assistance. Granted I have my own house and pay my own bills but sometimes very unexpected things happen and it’s nice to know that you can fall back onto your parents for assistance. With that said, I started paying rent (while living at home) when I turned 25, but I was basically paying for my own bills once I turned 18.
raerica Paying for your own bills since 18 sounds really responsible!
I wouldn’t say I have a date where I was officially cut off. I had a job right out of school and as soon as I got my own place I paid for most of my expenses (I think I was still on our family cell phone plan). Now we’re completely independent, though my parents still like to do things like take us all out to dinner and stuff like that. But they also would have helped for longer if I had needed it, and really still would if I asked for it.
Matt @ Mom and Dad Money Your rents sounds really nice. :)
I agree, it is a very interesting question. My middle brother is working in DC and is working with a number of people who were born into money and are given what they want when they want it. That can make it very difficult to start to make it out on your own. I was cut off about a month after graduating college. I moved home and found a job and once I started getting paid that was it.
FrugalRules Yeah it’s really tough not to compare yourself to others who are obviously in very different situations.
My parents never fully cut me off, but it’s been sort of a gradual cutting off. I’m glad they did start as early as they did though, except for certain circumstances, I think it’d be degrading to be still so dependent on your parents as an adult.
When I got my first job when I was 14 is when they said I needed to start paying for anything extra I wanted — eating out/fast food, clothes, games, etc. At 16 I had to pay for my own car (which they still helped me out on anyway), and once I hit 18, they cosigned my college loans so I could get into college and a dorm and everything, but everything from then on out was 100% me — my loans after I graduated but also any monthly expenses like rent, food, etc throughout college and beyond. They helped me out a few times when times got rough, but I was expected to be as independent as possible. They paid for my medical copays, car insurance, and things like that throughout college, which I am now paying for, but now all thats left is that I get to be on their health insurance — albeit paying my own copays now. 24 years old and 99% independent. :)
I see some kids my age that blow money like it’s no big deal, and a few that even ‘make fun of me’ for being ‘poor’. These are the kids that have had everything handed to them — rent, food, toys, taxes, insurance, healthcare — and have never had to manage their money, and are now in their mid-twenties or later drowning in CC debt over silly things (or I can tell are about to). I’m glad my parents started cutting me off early, I know my PF lessons learned early on will help me for the rest of my life.
KaylasDebtStory Yeah even if I had the money to give to my kids, I wouldn’t do it since I believe in them becoming independent.
I was never really cut off from my parents. It was more of a case that I cut off their financial support after college and I was settled. I wanted to be my own person and not rely on them anymore.
OneSmartDollar That’s how I feel too!
Hey DC, no surprise that you come up with another great post. Anyway, I was never really cut off by my parents but, I did cut myself off. Right when I hit 18, I hit the ground running and never really asked for any funds for this that or the other. I just found ways to make it myself. When my parents would offer to help, I would refuse. I bet if I needed it though, they’d still help me out to this day!
Joshua Rodriguez Haha well it’s Cat here, but DC did like and approve of the topic and let me blab about it on his blog. ;) Sounds like you’re really independent!
I hate to sounds like an “oldie” but I don’t even really remember. I was fully supported through college although I always had jobs when I wasn’t going to school, and I think the rest just kind of happened naturally. I was never in a situation where they paid for my credit cards though…I do know that. But I think I was on my dad’s insurance until I couldn’t be anymore.
Beachbudget I kind of forgot about insurance. I just got off of theirs lol!
My parents gave me some assistance in undergrad for living expenses. However, I had to pay for all college expenses which meant taking on student loans (even though I had a part-time job for a good portion of the time). The assistance wasn’t too much though and wasn’t quite enough to cover everything.
I know LOTS of people who got TONS of support from their parents. In fact, I know many who STILL haven’t been cutoff in their 30’s! I just shake my head. I think it’s dysfunctional.
PFUtopia Yeah 30 year olds should definitely be on their own!
The last time I remember getting financial help from my parents was when they gave me a few thousand dollars for my college education, and from that point on when I was 18 – I was on my own. I paid for most of my own schooling and after graduation from college I paid my own way for everything. For some reason it never even really occurred to me that I should continue taking money or help from my parents. I’m sure they would be there for me if something big happened – if they could – but I think my sense of self sufficiency means that I don’t like taking help from anyone, and if you do it too much I think it can create an extremely dysfunctional situation.
moneymatters I totally agree. I don’t like taking help either, although sometimes it’s necessary
The last time I received help, financially, from my parents was during college. They had contributed a couple thousand dollars for my tuition. From that point on, I worked to pay it myself and took out loans. They never really cut me off and I’m sure they would help me out financially if I needed it or asked. But I’ve always felt that since I’m old enough to be making a living, I shouldn’t be living of my parents.
SavvyWithSaving I feel the same way!
I don’t know that they officially cut me off. My college expenses were all on me, except for initial moving and the drives back and forth. They helped pay for my tiny wedding, and my mom helps all the time with my daughter. In times of crisis they’ve always helped when they could, and most holiday/bday gifts from my father are cash. I’ve been responsible for most major expenses though since about 18-19, which I was always told would be the case. I can’t fathom being 30 and my parents still footing the bill….
katygoesboom Yeah it’s amazing how old some people are and their parents are still paying their expenses.
It is an interesting question, Cat. I see a wide spectrum in my clients as to how and when they choose to let their kids be financially on their own. It’s been a long time, but my parents helped me through college and I was pretty much on my own when I graduated. I can’t remember if it was a hard cut-off but I found work right after school so it was probably a smooth transition so I don’t recall anything. It’s definitely something I’ll have to consider for the girls. I definitely want them to independent but I don’t like surprises either. So I want us to be clear with them what we will help with (like college) and what they will be expected to cover.
TheHeavyPurse I think that’s really good advice, to be clear. We’ll definitely have to hash out what we want to do with kiddos. Right now, we’re feeling paying for 1/2 of their college but having them pay the “loan” back to us.
My parents wanted us to live at home forever which felt strange, but they felt it was a good way to save money. I moved out shortly after my 23rd birthday to go to college for a second degree. From that day on I was on my own financially.
TacklingOurDebt That seems like a pretty good age!
I would say that I am completely financially independent from my parents now. I was living with them up until they moved, so they did provide me with food and shelter for a small amount of rent every month until earlier this year. I would never hesitate to help them if they needed it, though. I think we are pretty similar in that I never took them for granted and was very grateful they let me continue to live with them throughout college and after I graduated.
My boyfriend’s mom cut him off immediately after he came back from college. While he was in college he worked, paid for his own things, and eventually saved up for a beater car in late 2011. She cosigned for him, and he paid it off earlier this year. He paid her rent even though he was barely ever there – she claimed it was for food, and he never ate there either. We considered moving into her basement apartment and she wouldn’t cut us a break there. Very, very different from how I grew up, but she is also a single parent. We both turned out okay with finances though!
JourneytoSaving Yeah isn’t it amazing how different experiences can shape us?
It sounds like you have some great parents Cat! My parents agreed to help me with a few things (mostly gas and tuition) while I was in college. Tuition in particular was very helpful!
ayoungpro Yeah, I keep them around haha! Tuition is great!
Early, but gradually. Once I was 14 and working I started paying for my own portion of the cell phone bill. For as long as I’ve earned an allowance my dad charged me for things like stamps and batteries when I needed them. Once I graduated high school they moved to a different state and then I was pretty much on my own. After I moved out they never paid for my car, rent, food or anything. Sometimes they’d pay half my plane ticket to visit them or give generous gift cards for holidays. It may seem harsh to some people but I think it set me up for success and taught me to handle things on my own.
HeatherShue I’m sure it definitely built some responsibility for sure!
My parents didn’t pay for college but did pay for health and car insurance until I had a job. They still help in some ways like buying my daughter clothes or shoes. I don’t ask or expect it, but it’s very nice of them. I don’t think I could ask my parents for money unless it was a dire situation. I hate people who milk their parents for money
Eyesonthedollar Me too. I would have to be on the street homeless before asking for help. I just don’t want to. It’s just how I am!
I was off their payroll when I was married at 22 and out of the house.
No Accouting For Waste Yeah it seems like that’s a good time!
I started paying for my own gas. food, and entertainment when I got my first job at 16. At 18, I took over everything else (except my college textbooks, which were a HS graduation present from my dad).
Some of my friends were cut off at 16, some still haven’t been cut off.
I’m nosey too :).
Erin My Alternate Life Haha glad to know I’m not the only nosey one! ;)
I was pretty young when I stopped getting an allowance. Like, 10 maybe? My sisters and I gave it up at first to buy a dishwasher, and then to pay for our internet connection. My parents still gave me money on occasion, and both let me live with them for free as an adult (for just over a year total).
I paid for university 100% myself.
mylifeiguess Wow 100% by yourself – good job!
All student loans, which I’ll be paying back for at least another 20 years… *grumble grumble*
At 17, my dad drove me to a college dorm and moved 700 miles away, I was on my own and paid for everything, tuition and board. During the 5 years of college they didn’t pay even for train tickets to visit but if I stayed with them I didn’t pay a thing either. I had jobs since my early teen years so it was ok.
RFIndependence Wow. That’s pretty impressive.
My parents helped me out throughout the first few years in college, and continued to help with rent until I graduated. Once I landed my first job out of college, I began taking up responsibility for everything. My mom would still try to hand me money, but I’d refuse to take it – she deserves to keep her money! Now, I pay for mortgage, utilities, cable, student loans, car loan, and everything else BUT my cell phone bill which is still on my mom’s family plan.
LisaVsTheLoans That’s so interesting!
I don’t know when my parents cut me off, but it was more of me cutting them off. I wanted to be independent and get on with my life. I started in college and then cut ties totally when I graduated. It worked out well.
DebtRoundUp That’s interesting! Thanks for sharing!
Hi Cat,
Thanks for sharing your story, and I’m sorry that you had to go through some difficulties in Katrina.
My parents cut me off at 19 when I told them I was dropping out of college, going to California, and putting myself through school. They took away “my” car (wasn’t counting on that) as a means of trying to convince me to stay, but you know how 19 year old boys are. I wasn’t going to be convinced.
In the end I think it all worked out for the best. I went to a much more affordable University, worked there full time and got my bachelor’s at night (for free!). I ended up avoiding two more years of student loan debt, and gained years of real world experience in my eventual career field. And, of course, I met my beautiful wife out in California, so I have that going for me, which is nice.
DonebyForty My pleasure. Some day I’ll tell the Katrina story in more detail. It sounds like you’ve done well with your situation!
Great post Cat! I’m jealous of your parents paying your interest, that’s a really great way to help out your kids in such a helpful way without enabling them.
I have a friend who is basically only getting by because of the help of his parents. He’s an only child and both his parents did well with money in their lives so they can spare it but to keep supporting your 28-year-old son means that son never has any reason to try harder to become financially independent. I’m all about cutting support eventually (I think after undergrad is a good time).
Tara Zee Can’t believe that about your friend! 28?!
My parents only helped with occasional bills but for the most part I’ve been on my own since I started working in college. I miss being spoiled actually. I know people who still have everything paid for and their mom washes their clothes. But I still live with my mom rent free so I guess that is always a plus. LOL
Paulette Mensah Haha I miss being spoiled too!
I don’t think I will ever be cut off. I help my family a lot. I have surprised them with parties, trips to the Bahamas, and other stuff. As a result, we’re very close.
studenomics That’s really sweet!
I wouldn’t say that my parents cut me off, but once I graduated and started working, I didn’t need financial assistance from my parents. I lived at home and contributed financially to the household. Even when I was in college I worked and paid for most of my day to day costs. My parents paid a portion of the tuition and the rest were student loans.
Andrew LivingRichCheaply That sounds a bit like my situation!
I wasn’t really cutoff, but have always been super independent and not wanted their help. They also made it clear they couldn’t really help me. I’ve still gotten some help from them, but not because I asked. I would rather find my own money and make it work. Asking my parents for anything is kind of a last resort for me.
deardebt I agree. I’d rather find my own too!
My parents didn’t have to cut me off as I started supporting myself at 17 when I joined the Army. While they assisted with a few dollars on a few occasions, there has never been any sustained support and I have never moved back into my parent’s home since I first left. Fortunately, I always know that I do have a place to go should it be necessary though.
SavvyJames That’s great to know they’ll always support you!
Hmm interesting post. I basically started paying for my own ‘extra’ expenses when I got a part time job at 14, and I moved out at 18 and was pretty much on my own. My parents did pay my rent when I went on Uni exchange to the UK, but I was responsible for everything else. I’ve been pretty used to paying my own way for a while.
My little brother however has had a lot of financial support from my parents – they paid his rent through Uni and bought him a car and groceries. And now he has a baby they help him and his girlfriend out with rent and baby stuff (not to mention free babysitting). It used to really annoy me, but now I’m just really proud of myself for being financially independent. I’d much rather be making and spending my own money than relying on a handout to get by.
Nell Casey Absolutely agree with the last line. While getting established, getting (and staying) on your feet can be difficult, it is definitely more rewarding!
SavvyJames Nell Casey It’s hard when siblings get different treatment. I’m glad you’re proud of how independent you’ve become.
When I was 16 and got my first job, I was cut off from everything except food and shelter. When I turned 18, moved out, and have been independent from them ever since. I feel like they WOULD have helped me if they had any money, but they didn’t, so they couldn’t. My dad was also “on his own” from 18, and thought it a good life lesson to teach responsibility to try to implement that rule in our house as well. Didn’t happen AS well with my other siblings, but I also like the idea of teaching independence through removing financial help. But the difference will be that my kids KNOW I have money to help them, but know that it’s MORE important that they learn to provide for themselves.
iHeartBudgets Wow. Since 18 is pretty awesome.
iHeartBudgets Teaching independence, particularly financial independence, is an important lesson that pays great dividends.
SavvyJames iHeartBudgets I agree with that!
KelseyJass Yeah it seems most people have gradual independence!
I became 100% financially independent on August 15, 2012. That was the day I got hired full-time at my current job. I had been mostly independent before then, starting 3 weeks after I graduated college and moved to NYC. Once I had my first job, the only thing my parents helped with was allowing me to stay on their insurance plan. So, once I got my current job I had my own insurance.
These days I’m 100% flying solo, but they will occasionally send me some money in a card or hand me $20 when dropping me off at the airport. My parents did help pay for college and gave me a small stipend each semester, but I paid for the other 50%, my cell phone, entertainment and car.
BrokeMillennial That’s awesome that you can pinpoint the date!!
19 for me. It only made sense for them to.
Debt Blag That’s pretty young!
BudgetBlonde True, but there was little more I needed money-wise at that point. I went to a very inexpensive public school with in-state tuition to start with and — in exchange for blood, sweat, tears, etc. — was about to get tuition covered and a stipend.
I left home at 17 and that was that. My mom has helped out from time to time but I’ve basically been on my own financially-and that’s ok!
ShopMyCloset12 Wow! Way to go!
Great stories here! At 18, my mom pretty much said “If you go to college, you can stay here rent free, but if you don’t, then you start handing over the cash.” It was a good system, and like many others, I was eager to get out and on my own. I don’t think we’ll shove the kids out the door at18, but I do think we’ll start treating them more as tenants (from a financial standpoint) if they choose not to go to school.
Laurie TheFrugalFarmer That is a good system! :)