Everywhere you look there are stories reporting on the dissolution of marriages because of financial issues.
What’s more is that many studies cite that money is the number one cause of divorce, and from that, we can infer that it’s the source of many fights.
These stories and statistics don’t bode well for those who aren’t financially compatible with their partners, but not everything is doom and gloom.
If you’re in this situation and wondering how you can improve it, here are a few things you can do if you and your partner aren’t on the same financial page.
Stop Playing Offense and Defense
Most of the time, fights involving money begin because one partner feels like the other is doing something wrong. It almost always involves some type of judgment.
Unfortunately, that tends to force an offense/defense dynamic that usually ends in both parties feeling bad.
Think about how a typical argument might play out:
“I saw our credit card statement today. Why did you buy such an expensive pair of shoes?”
“Well…” (Does it even matter what reason they give? You’re already upset.)
“What about our budget? I thought we agreed that we should consult with one another before buying anything over $X,” or, “I thought you were on board with saving more money,” or, “I thought we were making debt our focus…”
And the conversation just gets worse. Each time the opposing party expresses their disappointment, they put the other person further into a corner, forcing them to go on the defense.
This isn’t good, but in the moment, it can be hard to think rationally.
So how do you stop playing offense and defense? After all, you still need to have a conversation about your financial concerns.
And that’s just it – you need to have a two-way conversation, not a one-way conversation where one person feels belittled and like their reasons mean nothing.
If you don’t, you risk being in a situation where one person feels compelled to hide their financial business, and you can’t function as a team if that’s the case.
Start Listening and Be Empathetic
Before you might be inclined to object, I’m not saying to be empathetic if this is the 100th time your spouse has come home after gambling several thousand dollars away.
That’s a way bigger issue that most likely requires counseling. I’m addressing smaller issues that might have snowballed over time, or couples who think they can work on things and get back on the same page, but aren’t sure how to express that.
The best way to talk is to be empathetic and actually listen to your significant other when they explain their reasons for things.
Why? Because they might be saying something other than the obvious.
There are many people who have deep-seated emotional spending triggers, even if it looks like they’re just spending with reckless abandon.
None of us come from the same background, and even if we do, we perceive things differently. That’s why you might have a different perspective on personal finance than your siblings.
Perspective is everything when you’re talking about money.
So do some digging. Ask your partner, in a kind and understanding way (yes, this is a “judgment free” zone), after you’ve calmed down, for the reasons behind their activity.
The key here is that the tone can’t be malicious in any way. If you snap after seeing that credit card statement, and you can’t help but say something snide, then the conversation isn’t going to go anywhere.
Your partner needs to feel like they can trust that you won’t fly off the handle at them for whatever they’ve done. Otherwise, they won’t open up.
Create an open dialogue, and if that means venturing outside your home to neutral territory, so be it!
The worst thing you can do is confront them. Your goal here is to understand where they’re coming from, and you can’t do that with a closed mind.
What if the Problem Isn’t as Tangible?
In our previous example, we were talking about clear-cut issues, where one person is spending and disregarding the joint financial goals already set.
But what if the issue is less tangible? What if it’s just a feeling you have?
For example, perhaps your partner earns more or less money than you, has more or less student loan debt than you, or comes from a really wealthy or poor family.
All of these situations can cause legitimate concerns to arise, which might manifest as feelings of resentment.
You absolutely should address these concerns the first time you start feeling resentful toward your partner – again, in a calm way.
Don’t point fingers and name names. You want to be financially compatible with your partner…right? That’s not going to happen if you lash out at them, especially for any of the above reasons, since they haven’t really done anything wrong.
I would also suggest you think about why you feel the way you do. A healthy dose of introspection might shed some light on the issue. You might even be able to resolve it without bringing your partner in.
If all else fails here, you could also seek out others that have experienced the same things as you, and see how they’ve coped. That’s actually one of the reasons I love reading blogs. People are often open about their situation and willing to help.
Accept it and Separate Your Finances
This is much easier said than done, and it’s also probably not the answer you were hoping to find, but the fact remains that this is a solution that has helped many couples survive past their money issues.
You don’t always have to combine finances with your significant other. Or, if you do, you can choose to have separate accounts along with a joint account.
In this case, you’re still required to contribute toward the joint account, enough to meet those shared financial goals, but you’re also entitled to a small fund outside of that, and your partner doesn’t have a say on how you use it.
This can help alleviate some stress because as long as you’re both contributing, neither of you can judge.
However, this doesn’t typically solve any feelings of resentment, and this doesn’t mean you won’t be judging your partner internally. So it’s definitely not a solution for everyone, especially those who want to feel more like a team.
Ask Yourself if it’s a Deal Breaker
I hate to include this here because I don’t think money should be the top cause of divorce. I think most financial issues can be worked on and improved over time.
Plus, if you’re not financially compatible with your partner, I would hate to tell you to just give up. You’re here because you want a solution.
However, if you’re not married, and you’ve only been dating for a while, it’s definitely worth asking yourself if the problems you’ve experienced are deal breakers.
For example, maybe you’re a saver through-and-through, and you absolutely cannot fathom why anyone would spend a certain amount of money on something, or spend $X to begin with.
This might indicate that you have very different values than your partner, and getting on the same page might be more difficult.
Likewise, if your partner does have a serious problem, and they’re constantly asking you for money, you might want to take a step back and evaluate.
If you’ve been considering marriage in the near future, then it’s worth sitting down and having a discussion about your beliefs, values, and views on money. Ask them a few questions to get to the bottom of things, before it’s too late.
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At the end of the day, having similar goals and values will make your lives much easier when it comes to settling any money problems. But that doesn’t mean you can’t try and make things work.
Try different budgeting methods, have regular money dates where you talk about the state of your finances, and communicate openly without accusations.
How have you dealt with money in relationships? Have you ever ended a relationship because of financial differences?
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Oh my. I’m totally going through this so this post is so appropriate right now. We did a lot of offense and defense and it got us nowhere. It’s really tough because our styles are so different.
Anyway communication is the key and that’s something we’ve missed for a long time. We thought we were communicating but really we were just arguing. Currently separate accounts help, and we’re talking about having a joint account although we still will have separate accounts for ourselves.
“We thought we were communicating but really we were just arguing.” – That’s such a good point, Lila! Talking doesn’t automatically mean communicating, or at least, communicating effectively. It takes a lot of effort to hear the other person out and just let them speak without interjecting or judging them, but it’s worth it to work through the issues.
Good post Erin! I think so much of this boils down to showing why open communication is so important in relationships. You should want that anyway, but money just adds another complexity, or five :), that make it that much more important. That being said, I think a lot of it starts with #1 and much flows out from there. When you’re playing offense/defense it comes down to playing against each other…so to speak…when you really should be taking things on together and finding what works best for you as a team out of that.
Exactly, John. Open communication IS really important, but of course, not many people enjoy talking about money, so it gets pushed aside…yet, it causes a lot of tension, so it needs to be talked about in a constructive way. You shouldn’t bury your head in the sand about anything in a relationship, but it seems easier than talking about it.
Being open and transparent is so important if you want to become a financially compatible couple! We combined finances from the get-go 19 years ago. At first, it was a bit of a struggle, simply because we hadn’t done it before. After a couple of years, we got into a groove and it’s worked well for us. Having shared financial and life goals is really crucial to being on the same page.
I also know combining finances isn’t always the best option for everyone. Sometimes keeping it separate is the best option for the relationship. But actually talking about it is a necessity one way or another.
“But actually talking about it is a necessity one way or another.” – Yes! For sure. I used to be a big proponent of combining finances, but I’m in a relationship right now where we just split things and keep our own accounts. Neither of us are big spenders and even though his hobbies are a bit different than mine (I wouldn’t spend $60 on beer, for example ;)), in the end, we want the same things, so we have mutual respect there, and we discuss larger purchases before they happen. Every couple is different, which is why it’s good to try multiple methods!
I’ve always been scared to meet a girl who isn’t well versed in finances. For me, I honestly think it would be a big deal breaker because early retirement is so high up in my priority list that I think she would have to be on board otherwise she’s not going to like how I spend my money / vice versa.
I’m not married or about to be married so this is a long ways ahead of me but have to know what I want right?
I understand where you’re coming from, and there’s definitely nothing wrong with that. Personally, I don’t think I could make it work with someone who just enjoyed spending all of their money and living paycheck to paycheck.
However, I would at least say keep an open mind, because I’ve met people who aren’t exactly thrilled about managing their money, but are doing an okay job at it. My boyfriend is a good example – he has his stuff together and owns a house, which is more than I can say for some of my peers. However, he really enjoys working, so early retirement isn’t a huge goal of his. But, we’re hoping he can break into the IT industry and get a remote job so we can travel in the next few years. So we kind of have a balance worked out. I’ve also had exes who have told me I was a good influence on them when it comes to money (haha), so you never know how you might change someone’s perspective.
Great tips, Erin. I agree that viewing you & your SO as being on the same team is huge. If you are married, you’ve essentially agreed to be on the same team, but it is SO EASY to fall into the attack/defend cycle you described. There is also a lot of wisdom is accepting some of your financial differences, so long as you can agree on the bigger financial matters. Your spouse doesn’t handle money exactly like you because you don’t marry yourself!
These were great tips! We definitely agree with you on being empathetic and listening to your significant other! No money argument will be fixed by a heated conversation or yelling at your spouse!
Definitely not; fighting rarely solves any problems. It just creates new ones, or brings up old ones.
This part: “Why did you buy such an expensive…?’ ‘Well…’ (Does it even matter what reason they give? You’re already upset.)” That happened in our house last week – and you’ve hit the nail on the head. As the more chaotic spender of the two of us, I shut right down when my husband gets upset. I do feel guilty, and I have addressed the issue constructively in the time since, but irritation and a demand for answers that will not satisfy just don’t resolve anything. Very good insight here. And an unexpected sense of being understood. Thanks : )
Thank you for sharing, Ruth! I’m a saver, but I know the situation isn’t fun for either party. I don’t like putting my partner in a defensive position, and as my views on money have (slowly) changed, I’ve realized that harping on certain things just takes the fun out of life. Why should I make a big deal about them spending $X (as long as it’s not absolutely insane) if it’s bringing them enjoyment, and they’re still working toward their goals? It’s a short-term view of money which misses a few things in the process.
For me the best thing that my wife and I did was go to pre-marital counseling to discuss finances. This allowed us to get on the same page so that we could discuss our finances and make sure that we weren’t hiding anything from each other. This open communication has continued through our marriage and allowed us to avoid some of the pitfalls that many couples have.
I like your solution. Get educated about money and each other, collaborate on your agendas for the future (which is a huge learning opportunity anyway) and then no matter what, keep your plans simple. Simple plans get followed.
Interesting point. I like detailed plans, but I don’t technically follow them to a T. I just feel better about laying everything out and having a general idea of where I want to go. Simplifying is usually a good idea, though!
That’s a great idea! It’s SO important to have these discussions before marriage, but sadly, it’s the last thing on most people’s minds when thinking about their future together.
This is why I prefer to be honest from the beginning about my finance and my spending habits, but when partner are irreconciliable about them is better to have a budget for expenses having clear talks about who pay what or share 50-50 and keeping a personal account, but if you have a debt say to your partner, she/he will help you to repay it sooner ans start to save..there is also fun side about it:D
I prefer honesty from the start as well, but it can be tough having those conversations early on. People unfortunately lie to make themselves look better, too.
Regarding how to pay off debt together, that’s a tricky one, which is why I wrote a post about it. I wouldn’t expect my partner to help me pay off my student loan debt since I acquired that on my own, but some couples (especially if they get married) take a “what’s yours is mine” approach, even with debt, which can help you both work toward those joint financial goals together.
I was worried that my significant other and I were not financially compatible for awhile. Over the years, I have learned to accept that he’s just not as interested as I am in personal finance and that is OK. Luckily we’re both not big spenders and we’re still able to achieve our financial goals without us both being money nerds.
That’s awesome, Julie. Sounds like the dynamic I’ve had with most of my partners. I tend to be way more into personal finance; they care about saving and paying off debt, but they don’t want to live and breathe it.
This is great! I once went on a a crazy first date where the guy asked if I wanted to drive around and look at houses because he was thinking of buying a home. We both had totally different visions and price points LOL. Looking back, maybe it was a test?! LOL, needless to say, it didn’t work out :)
Oh, that is a funny first date idea, and that would be even funnier if it had been a test. I guess that’s a good way to know if you’re on the same page as housing is a big goal to tackle with someone!
Great Post Erin! I am currently in a relationship of over a year and a half and while the relationship is great overall, the finances scare me. Her values are very different than mine and while we do live together, we do have our own bank accounts. I help with rent and we split the utilities down the middle. The deal breaker for me would be that my partner makes a significant amount more than me and she pays for mostly everything when we go out to eat, trips, entertainment, etc…. I pay when I am able to and can budget it in as I have zero debt minus my student loan.
The main problem with the finances is when the topic comes up about how she pays for everything and that what I give her for rent is not enough. My problem is that she is not a saver but a spender. For example, she owes about 10k on her car and has 40k in her 401k. Because she does not know how to manager her finances well, she was thinking about cashing it out to pay off her car. I was in complete shock when she even mentioned this to me. It scares me to be with her when we are talking about marriage, kids, etc.. because she loves spending but then when it comes to big ticket items like fixing up the house, she brings up how I dont give her enough every month and she is paying for everything.
I have spoken to her in a respectful, gentle and open minded way but she gets defensive. When she says I don’t give her enough money, she makes me feel horrible because I don’t bring enough income to the table. I feel like it it something that I can’t win with her because no one is going to tell her how to manage her money :( I am just at a loss of words right now.