Reflections and Tips on the Quarter Life Crisis

Today we have a guest post from our good friend Jo Saxton. This is the second post in a two-part series. The first post was published last week, titled Have you had a Quarter Life Crisis?.

So the last post was the event of realizing that I needed to engage with my life a little differently. But not surprisingly my life was not magically transformed that night. It was catalyst for sure. But when the next day began, so did the hard work of moving forward. Steps and missteps all the way.

I promise you that I’ve not forgotten this is a money blog and as such I should talk about money at some point! But one level, I’d contend that I truly am. Money in my observation is inextricably linked with every whim, whisper and wart of our lives. Sure its dime and dollars (or Pounds and pennies where I come from!) but I’ve observed that for many of us our dealings with money are also psychological, emotional, spiritual…

Behind our challenges and choices with money, there are driving forces, way too textured to simply describe as right or wrong. These driving forces are shaped by our story, the conditions we grew up in, our personality, our capacity for joy and pain, life’s events along the way. It’s influenced our cultural context our worldview and the events in wider society that touched our lives.

When I was child we didn’t have much money, and so we didn’t have much stuff. Toys I went without that my friends had. Clothes that were handed down (I am the youngest of four, my clothes were WORN) or received from a second hand store. Shoes that had holes – for a long time. And this was in an era when it wasn’t considered vintage. Just trampy. It was hard as a child, but oh my goodness almost unbearable as a teenager. Not surprisingly it forged a fierce and sometimes ruthless ambition to have a different life in future.

Of course my backdrop influenced my approach to money. And as I walked through the quarter life crisis and beyond – I had to pay attention to what was healthy, what was realistic, and honestly what was the voice of a child or a frustrated awkward teenage girl finally wanting to have the things that everyone else seemed to.
On some days I still have to pay attention to those things.

And chances are, though you no doubt have a different story – there are a number of things driving you too. Too textured to lazily describe as either right or wrong. But be aware of them.

These are a few things that I’ve needed to process and consider…

Life’s not fair, but fantasy is a cruel twisted lover.

When I was a kid I dreamed of another life, but more often I fantasized about it. I’d look at houses and pretend I lived there, not the decaying apartment block with all its predictable problems. I’d look at clothes and imagine myself in them. I looked amazing until I walked away from the shop window. Fantasy was so much fairer, so much nicer than life. It felt better to live there for a while. Like, years.

Your best life is sometimes in your head. There your potential at work is noticed and appreciated. Hello promotion. Your offer on the great first home is accepted. And everything goes your way. It’s a nice place to live in your head and in your discussions with likeminded friends. It’s safe and warm and just. Unfortunately life doesn’t always grant us the same opportunities. Even the ones we deserve. So you go to college and dare to get the debt because the job market is awesome…until you graduate. You have a career track, but no one is interested in it but you – no employer no graduate program. You’re a talented musician, but so are loads of people – and they seem to have better opportunities. You fall in love, and they walk away. You settle down with someone but discover you can’t have kids. Life is not fair. No wonder we want to live in our heads, waiting for life to go our way. The only thing is fantasy is not your friend nor is it your comfort. It is a cruel twisted lover. Appealing, seductive, you are enthralled for a while It can take years to realize that fantasy is the biggest thing holding you back, because life isn’t happening in your head. Life is not waiting for you to be discovered, appreciated or loved, like fantasy whispers to you. Life is happening now and the world isn’t waiting for you, it’s out there getting stuff done. Don’t waste it.

Sometimes you just need a new dream.

You already know this: not all your dreams will come true. I did not get my favorite longed for doll. I was not seen as hot or popular at school because I was a nerdy hipster about 25 years too early. As an adult when I thought I found love my heart got broken and I got rejected. And frankly in that area? Rinse and repeat. Some jobs were nightmares, and not everyone dealt with me honestly or justly. It took a long time to forgive. Our investments fell through the floor and left us empty for a few years. And me feeling embarrassed and ashamed. Would I be poor all over again, make my kids live like I did? Life was not supposed to look like this; fantasy told me how great it should be. Fantasy made me so many promises… And wisdom, wisdom reminded me that when your dreams don’t come true, you grieve and then you rest because the answer is hard, but simple. Sometimes you just need a new dream.

10 000 hours. Of blood sweat and time.

One of the best books I’ve ever read : Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers. There are lots of nuggets, but the bit that stays with me longest is his observation that it takes 10,000 hours to become accomplished at anything. And whilst not everyone agrees with Gladwell’s exact idea. For me there is something compelling it. Growth in any area of our lives takes persistence, hard work, and investment- blood, sweat and time…

Thomas A. Edison said:

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

Some of life’s opportunities both profession and personal will come to you dressed in shabby overalls. It will be tempting to pass them by, especially if that fraudulent fantasy has been playing you, telling you that if its right it shouldn’t have to be so hard….In matters of love, life and money….don’t buy into the lie that success is instant, that’s for American Idol, and the Bachelor, and other reality shows. And we all know they’re not reality and even the success stories have a back story. Make a commitment to invest…….put in the hours and the energy.

I look at my life so far and whilst I don’t know it all by any stretch of the imagination –the best things in my life have been built over time. We build, and continue to build our marriage, navigating the landscape of life together with all its (our?) quirky twists and turns. We invest and build into our relationship with our kids, and we watch them grow and realize in each stage we have so much yet to learn. My careers (I have a few jobs that intertwine – I write, speak, consult, train leaders and I’m a pastor) have been built over the last 20 years. And I’m still building.

Some opportunities started like a whisper…

Have you ever thought about living in the USA he sad…

If you’d ever like to write a book, she said.

Still grabbing those opportunities meant risk, sacrifice, mundane steps and hard work…
When we moved to the US it felt like a great adventure – it was – but it was also navigating a new world, taxes, visa, the DMV (what?) – driving on another side of the road and missing friends and family. It was feeling distant from all I knew and wondering if I made the right decision. It was missing silly things like food, and streets and history . I don’t regret it, no. I wouldn’t turn back. But it took years to build a life that felt like ….home.

I got a book deal when our kids were very very young. So I once I put them to bed, I chatted to my equally exhausted hubby for a while and then started work, when others relaxed and played. Had hobbies. I don’t regret it, no I wouldn’t turn back… but it wasn’t a cheap opportunity…

Where do you want to be in your life. Yes your career, but your whole life? Are you ready for (at least) 10,000 hours of blood, sweat, tears and time….?

Debt will make you pay. One way or another. So choose the way you want to pay it.

One of the great breaks in my life was when I grew up in England, education was free and health care was (and still is) free. It’s interesting watching both unfold in the US., especially when I talk to college kids, and young adults and young professionals about money and debt. But also when I talk to my peers, hardworking families paying for their long distant college years as they save for their own kids college education…

Here’s the reality. Debt will make you pay. One way or another. So choose the way you want to pay it.

I see young adults saddled with 60/80 K worth of debt wondering how they got there. And on one level, life hasn’t been fair in that they’re in a system which expects you to know at 20 what you want to do with the rest of your life. I believe we have to prepare people for big decisions earlier! But it’s true for the older wiser post-grad types too. Prepare yourself for the decisions you make think of your expected salary when you decide the course of your education. If you want to be an elementary school teacher which unjustly earn way below their true worth and value consider this. Is it worth going to an expensive institution for post-grad studies with exorbitant fees that promises you so much but neglected to tell you it can’t protect you from the effects of s recession? Because unless you plan to be North West’s or Blue Ivy Carter’s personal tutor – how are you going to afford to pay that back? Is it realistic to punch above your financial weight?

No one care what school I came from. No one cares what grades I got. Not since about 1 year after I went to college.

College is not going to be your only big expense. So if you are in debt, think about your plans to get rid of it. And then do something about that plan. Does it mean a second job? A simpler lifestyle? An older car? What choices do you need to consider. And do remember…marriage isn’t a financial plan – I can’t tell you the amount of people men and women I’ve met who thought that was the way to solve financial difficulty.

And talking of marriage – and I might get especially preachy here. Save the extravagant weddings for your Pinterest board and your magazine, not for your real life. CNN Money said the average wedding cost 28k in 2012. I hope that’s grossly exaggerated. It’s an industry yo’, designed to play you. And people are easily played when they are all loved up or running from all reality. It’s a very expensive fantasy – remember what I said about fantasy. And it gives no guarantee of a happy fulfilling marriage! Even if someone else is paying – that money could go on your debts, a good car, your entrepreneurial ventures, your deposit on a property – your pension.

Who cares what your friends did. It’s Just A DAY. Be the bigger person. Cheap is chic. Rant over….

Until I start talking about children, AKA the most expensive gifts you will ever ever have. When you are enjoying your single life and celebrating you don’t need to be thinking about hypothetical child. Unless you really want them and think that they are free. Do you have dreams for your kids? Activities? Interests? College even? Good – just remember you will be paying for Every. Single. One of your dreams and a few of theirs…. But that’s going to be hard when you are paying off your debts – and trying to save for them and for your future….

Debt will make you pay one way or another, when do you want that to be, now or later? You might pay the price by a dull well paid job, or by delaying or changing your mind about home ownership. A cheaper post grad option. Or maybe you delay your desires and dreams – you go for cheap chic wedding. Or do you delay the life you long for the kids and stuff, the travel, the innovative ideas because you didn’t come up with or commit to a plan for your financial life. In my opinion that’s a very high price to pay for your college life… I know I’m a Debbie Downer right now, and I don’t know your life, but my recommendation is to start sooner than later.

_____________________

As I write out yet another check for my girl’s gymnastics team fees or for my other daughter’s dance recital – I know there are only so many hours we’re prepared to work, so only so much I can earn. I’m a working mom, but I’m committed developing a healthy relationship with my girls, to investing in my marriage. Do I have dreams – sure I do. World peace and everything. But most of all, I realize I have financial choices every day. Some I got right accidentally – very cheap wedding for example. Some I have no choice about – medical bills. Some have expensive consequences– we chose to live 1000’s of miles from grandparents so certain vacations are just beyond expensive. Some feel restrictive – some liberating. The most liberating is that after US postgrad study, visa bills etc – we have don’t have huge debts hanging over us. I promise you – that didn’t just happen.

So those are just a few of my reflections and tips…they won’t all be relevant. The key thing is that you work out how best to engage in your financial life, for the sake of your life . Work that out, and though life still won’t be fair, you’ll certainly find that sometimes its good. And that on occasion, it even looks like some kind of wonderful.

_____________________

What tips do you have for those going through a “quarter life crisis?” If you are currently going through one, what do you think of Jo’s opinions and tips?

Author Bio: Jo Saxton is a Director of 3DM and Equipping Director at North Heights Lutheran Church. Follower her on Twitter @JoSaxton.

_____________________
Photo by ParisSharing