Today’s post is from our regular Wednesday contributor, Erin.
Last week, we talked about the importance of discussing finances early on in a relationship, and how you can go about doing it.
This week, we’re taking a look at the other side of the equation: you recently got married, but your spouse couldn’t care less about your financial situation. You, however, want to make sure your marriage starts off on the right foot, financially speaking.
It may seem like getting your spouse interested in your financial situation is akin to pulling teeth. And that’s okay. Why? Because they don’t need to know every single detail like you do.
It’s okay if you’re more in love with your spreadsheets than they are. It’s okay if you’re the one paying the bills and tracking your expenses.
What’s important is that you’re on the same page and are both aware of your joint goals and values. You should be functioning as a team, and this will ultimately allow you to streamline your financial decisions. Give one of the following four strategies a try if your spouse isn’t interested in your financial situation.
1) Discuss Your Values
Instead of putting the focus on money, put the focus on your values first. By doing this, you can subtly tie finances in. This works well if you have a spouse who starts falling asleep when you bring the subject of money up.
Say both of you value traveling. Try saying something like this: “I know how much we both want to travel to Europe next year. Why don’t we start saving for the trip so we can make it happen? Wouldn’t it be great to take a week off of work?”
You’ve got your spouse thinking about taking a vacation, and who doesn’t like vacations? After talking about what you would like to see and do, bring up your plan to save, and see if they’re on board.
By establishing joint values, you’re prioritizing where you want your money to go, which also makes it easier to avoid any spending temptations either of you may have. If you tend to shop separately, it will help each of you make decisions. “Do I want to buy these new shoes, or do I want to put the money toward our trip to Europe?”
2) Discuss Your Goals
After you’ve crossed the marriage line, life can get expensive! Kids, a down payment on a house, the house itself (repairs), possibly saving for a better car – the list goes on. As a newlywed couple, you’re going to have a lot of goals to save for, along with any goals to pay off debt (such as student loans).
Discuss what goals you’d like to accomplish as a couple, and then decide which ones are the most important. Develop a timeline for achieving these goals, and formulate a plan for reaching them. Again, as the financial heavy lifter in the relationship, this might be on you. It’s important to get your spouse’s input, though!
Everyone has hopes and dreams for the future, and most of these are going to cost money. Goals allow you to have something to work toward together, and that should make it easier to get your spouse on board with your financial plan.
3) Discuss How Interest Works
If your spouse is on the spender side of the equation, they might not even realize how debt is impacting your financial situation. I know I was really surprised to see the amount of interest accruing on my student loans when I first graduated! I wasn’t acquainted with debt at all, and it was a rude awakening.
Calculate how much interest is accruing on your debts, and show this to your spouse. Tell them what you could be putting that money toward. That might motivate them and enable them to start cutting back on some things.
It’s also good to highlight how compound interest can work in your favor once you start investing the money you’ll save.
4) Discuss Your Spending
How many times have you heard someone say the following: “I barely spend any money, why do I need to track what I spend?” I know a few people guilty of this! Even if you don’t budget, it is helpful to track your spending. If your spouse doesn’t think they’re spending much, track their spending and see if they’re right.
This can be an eye-opening exercise for anyone, and it works well as a “surprise tactic.” If your spouse is convinced that their spending is in check, a look at the numbers might get them thinking otherwise.
If either of you are guilty of some bad spending habits, work on them together. You don’t want your spouse feeling resentful, and it will help if you own up to mistakes you’ve made in the past. Reflect on recent purchases together, and set a monetary limit to talk about purchases before making them. For example, you might want to consult each other if you’re contemplating buying anything over $100.
If all else fails:
- Make sure you have a document that holds the information of all the accounts your spouse will need to know should anything happen to you.
- Always lead by example when it comes to good financial behavior. You never know who you might inspire!
- Share your budget and your reasons for keeping on top of financial matters. Your spouse might not truly care about the numbers, but they should care about your motivations.
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While it’s important to remain on the same page as far as finances go, I don’t believe in “forcing” your partner to care about finances as much as you do. They should be kept in the loop, but you can’t make a person care about something they have no interest in. Imagine that you don’t like sports, yet that’s all your spouse talks about. How would you feel?
It’s best that each individual play to their own strengths. I am perfectly happy managing our finances, and I’m also happy to leave other tasks for my boyfriend to handle. We each excel at different things, and that’s the beauty of a relationship.
Have you gotten your spouse interested in your financial situation? How did you do it? What strategy did you like best?
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This is exactly the type of post my readers would love. Getting spouses involved can be tricky! I’m not married, but my boyfriend and I talk about money once at week when we do our individual budgets together. I started talking about finance early on and over time we began working on our budgets together and talking about our long and short term goals. This is also a great time to bring up any other financial issues, instead of making an off the cuff comment. I think it would be really hard for me to be with someone who wasn’t involved in the finances. It’s definitely a partnership.
My bf and I definitely have different approaches to money- at first I was nervous because of it, then I realized we have the same financial goals. So I stopped worrying about him and in my own subtle way taught him some more effective ways for achieving those goals.
I completely agree on the goals-centered approach. Without shared goals, everything else is relatively irrelevant. I think you’re right that both people don’t need to be interested in the spreadsheets and the mechanics (but who doesn’t love a great spreadsheet?!) as long as they’re both on the same page with their financial goals. A shared destination will yield shared spending and saving tactics, in my experience.
This definitely works! I read an article recently by Six figures under about how we don’t say “I can’t afford that.” Rather, we say “I have other priorities for my money.” This forces us to focus on our shared goals. What we both struggle with, now that we’re one the same page, is staying motivated through this long process!
Great points, especially on the goal centered approach Erin! Thankfully my wife and I have been on the same page since day one, but that came as a result of a lot of communication and being transparent with each other. I think communication plays a huge role, especially if you’re coming from two different sets of expectations.
My wife has always been a frugal person so we were generally on the same page. But you make some great points about discussing financial issues. In the beginning of our relationship, we didn’t really discuss that stuff and it wasn’t that big of an issue since we were both kinda frugal. It was not until we had to go to a pre-marital seminar thing where they gave us a list of things we should discuss before getting married that we finally did discuss them. I think it was very helpful to discuss what our financial goals were and how we plan to reach them.
theFinancegirl I think it would be hard for me, too! My boyfriend isn’t interested in finances to the level I am, but he is committed to being frugal and following a budget, which is more than some people. If he had no care in the world there would definitely be a problem.
brokeandbeau Nice! I think leading by example and explaining your thoughts can work well. Neither of those are confrontational or pushy.
Mrs. Frugalwoods Yes! “A shared destination will yield shared spending and savings tactics.” If you’re not on the same page as far as goals go, you’re working in two different directions, and that’s not going to work out too well.
RetiredBy40 I read that one as well. Look to each other for support and strength, and don’t forget to enjoy life while working toward early retirement! It’s important to still live for today, rather than the future. Celebrating the little milestones works, too.
FrugalRules Totally agree, John! Communication and transparency go a long way in building trust and expectations. They’re necessary to be able to work through things together.
Andrew LivingRichCheaply It’s great that pre-marital seminars cover finances, especially considering there’s probably a lot more couples that don’t discuss it beforehand. It does force you to evaluate your situation and how you’re going to work together moving forward, which is a good thing!
I need to make a new list of all our accounts and passwords. I do most of the bill paying, so I don’t always think to keep those available. That’s a great analogy about not trying to make someone love something they don’t. It’s enough to agree and discuss without making the non-interested party read PF blogs and track net worth every month!
At first my hubby didn’t have much interest in finances but little by little I educated him by doing the things suggested here. He’s still not hands on with the finances because he knows I manage them well but I’m so proud when I hear him talking finance and all the things he’s learned over the years.
I think the key to what you wrote for every tip is “discuss,” if you can’t have discussions about money with your spouse, then you really aren’t going to be on the same page. I just met with a woman who has been with her husband for 16 years, but she has no idea what his finances look like. It’s amazing to me when I see this, but when we talked about it, she really didn’t want to discuss it with her husband and he really didn’t want to be bothered. I know that it add stress on both of them, though.
Getting on board the same financial path with DH wasn’t hard but we had differing approaches and with time and discussion we adopted approaches where some were his idea and others were mine. I know that many couples disagree over money and I really didn’t want that for us so I was willing to bend my way of thinking. I’m glad I did because DH offered up good opinions.
I always think it’s important to not point fingers and place blame. You can get around that by sharing your feelings. Use phrases like “I feel “blank” (fill in blank with an emotion) when you “blank” (fill in blank with their action). That will hopefully open up discussion and let your spouse know how their decisions are affecting you.
I agree that you cannot force your partner to care about finances as deeply as you do, you can only ask them to respect the decisions you make together on how to use your family money. Chris and I are on the same page, but I definitely and not surprisingly take more ownership over it. And it works well. We have shared goals that we are equally committed to doing and we each know our roles. He doesn’t get as excited as do over our investments or financial matters and that’s okay. :) One thing I do regularly notice with couples I work with who have poor communication around money is there a lot of assumption happening. They assumed the other was okay with how they spent money and they weren’t. Clarity and setting expectation is so important.
This was a tough thing to do in the beginning of my marriage. My wife was raised without any money and therefore had no idea how to manage it or more importantly, why she should manage it.
Changing her spending habits was worse than pulling teeth! But it was definitely worth it now that we are on the same page. The key for us was communication.
Eyesonthedollar I should, too, as I do all of the bill paying. That last part is so true! My other half is not as entertained by PF blogs as I am, but he doesn’t mind listening to any ideas I get from reading them.
Practical Cents That’s awesome! I feel proud when leading by example pays off. Over the years, I think it’s possible to make a lasting impression, even if you’re not constantly talking about it.
blonde_finance Oh wow, I can’t even imagine not being able to discuss things with your spouse! I don’t see how relationships can function like that, but I guess they’ve managed in 16 years… I would be so freaked out not to know what the financial picture looks like.
Kassandra @ More Than Just Money I love that, and I think it’s possible to combine approaches. It’s important to be be open-minded. I know my partner and I have differing opinions, but we hear each other out and come up with a plan that we can both agree on.
Brian @ Luke1428 Yes! I know some people have difficulty with this, but being able to express and share your thoughts and feelings is so important – with anything. You just have to maintain respect.
ShannonRyan I like that you brought that up, Shannon. I have seen it happen, too, even with my own parents. My mom managed the money, and my dad assumed things were fine when they weren’t. Each person needs to be kept in the loop and they also need to be honest with each other! If you don’t speak up, resentment will build.
John Green I’m so glad to see others placing importance on communicating. It’s hard to adjust to having something when you went without it for most of your life. Looks like you’ve been a good influence!
I recently started to get my wife involved in our finances. It turns out that she wasn’t interested when we were in debt and broke, but now that it’s not stressful, she is interested. I just thought she didn’t like finances at all. lol
MoneyMiniBlog Ha! That actually makes sense. My boyfriend refused to talk about his student loan debt for a bit, until he gained a little momentum and had faith that he would pay them off. Money can be really stressful to talk about, but it’s best not to avoid the issues.
pftwins Having a plan and a vision really does make things easier, since you just have to align your finances with your goals. Of course, deciding on the big picture can be difficult, especially when you’re young, but it’s okay to start in one spot and end up in another.
Being a single person at the moment I can imagine it is the sort of thing that probably will come up but to get someone interested in things usually what I’d do is provide information about how it affects them i.e. the What’s in it for me approach, that usually works :)
mycareercrusade I think that’s a great way to go about it, and kind of what I was hinting at in the first example. People are always going to be somewhat selfish creatures, so it’s a good approach!
My wife and I weren’t on the same page with our finances for 13 years, and it resulted in a mountain of credit card debt. We go over our finances twice a week. so we’re on the same page – but even more than that we make decisions together as to how to spend our money. I do the majority of the budget prep, and actual bill paying (my wife isn’t all that interested in doing that part), but as long as she knows what’s going on, and we know how we’re spending our money – we’re good!
DebtChronicles You two have come such a long way, Travis, and I think you have a lot to be proud of! It really does come down to being on the same page as far as knowing where your money is going, and what you’re working toward.
Erin @ Journey to Saving MoneyMiniBlog Your fiance! :-)
My husband kind of tossed all the finances back at me when he made a big mess of it a few years ago. Although he’s supportive in our goals, it almost seems like he has an aversion now to even log into our bank account. I’m slowly getting him to start doing that stuff again, even though I do all the spreadsheet updates. I review with him the highlights. It turns out I’m better with this stuff, I guess.
debt debs I can understand why he might be a little reluctant to manage things after that, but I think it’s smart to ease him back in bit by bit with the highlights and logging into the bank account.
I love your point about prioritizing values; it’s a much easier way to start a difficult conversation than talking about goals. Goals are fluid and can change from year to year (or month to month!) But values are pretty consistent and will keep informing your choices for a long time.