If you’re in a relationship you’re probably no stranger to the following questions: How do you manage money with your spouse? What’s the “right” way to combine finances? (Is there a “right” way??) How do you get on the same page with your partner?
Unfortunately, there isn’t a one-stop shop for how to manage finances with your partner. However, we can learn some ins and outs from others who are going through the same thing.
Let’s hear from three different couples on how they handled merging their financial lives.*
Amanda and Elliot: Shared Accounts
Some of the benefits of having shared accounts include transparency into spending, and tracking expenses, since everything comes out of one account. This makes it easier to use money management apps because everything is in one place. Having one joint account is also important for some couples as it aligns to their marriage values – there is no “my” money and “your” money, because you’ve entered into an equal partnership.
Amanda and Elliot have been married for three years and they have one shared bank account to keep things “simple” as Amanda puts it. “At first I wanted to have one joint account for our combined expenses and then each keep our own smaller accounts – but after weighing the pros and cons we decided to combine everything to keep things simple.”
The key to making this work, according to Amanda, is constant communication. “It’s much more of a joint conversation now that we are married. We have gotten to a good place with spending and saving so we trust each other to make good money decisions. If it’s a trip or a large expense, we chat about it before making the purchase.”
Sounds pretty rosy now, but it wasn’t always that easy says Amanda. “Overall, things have been pretty smooth once we got into a good rhythm. It was harder when we were first married because we were both really used to managing our money independently. Now that it is ‘our’ money it’s just a mindset shift.”
Getting into that mindset shift from “my” money to “our” money can take some work. According to research by SunTrust Bank, arguments about money are the number one source of stress for couples. Add that to the fact that we attach a lot of self-worth and power to our individual relationships with money.
So, how can couples get on the same page? “Overall for us it was all about communication – getting on the same page with how to handle finances,” Amanda says. Using a budget (like this free one on our site) can also help couples create realistic expectations for saving and spending.
Linda and Jason: Separate Accounts
If any of you have had to live off of one income, while supporting a partner in school, then you may relate to Linda and Jason’s story. Linda works in nonprofit administration and Jason works in healthcare. They’ve been married for three years, and talking about money isn’t something new for them.
As Linda says, “Our conversations have looked very similar before and after getting married. We talked about finances before getting married, focusing primarily on long-term goals. We knew that my partner wanted to return to school, so over time our conversations shifted towards managing our financial responsibilities with one income and focusing on short-term goals and needs.”
A strategy that has worked for Linda and Jason is maintaining separate accounts, dividing up household expenses between each other but keeping it proportionate to how much income each person brings in. So, for example, if you had a partner that earned significantly more than the other, the higher earner may pay a little more for household expenses or other budget items. This helps put less strain on the lower earner.
That being said, Linda and Jason are now looking into new ways to combine their finances due to a significant change in their household income. “We both like to have a certain bit of control over our personal money, so we have considered combining our accounts, while we each maintain a separate account,” Linda says.
Which brings us to our next couple…
Brian and Megan: Combination
For Brian and Megan, having a financial strategy that allowed them to express individuality, while aligning on financial goals was important. As Brian puts it, “Both of us like having our individuality while working together.” These values have allowed them to develop a combined approach to managing money.
They each have their own checking accounts, and one shared household and savings account. “We run all of our household expenses through a combined card which provides a super accurate picture of things such as groceries, utilities, and family activities,” Brian said.
Having two young kids has changed their money conversations pretty drastically. Before kids their conversations centered mostly on financial goals, expectations, and how their different upbringings played into those factors.
Now, with kids, “we have a constant discussion of where we are allocating our money. We reserve a lot for experiences whether those are educational or family related for the kids and our family. We have also spent much more time talking about our emergency savings reserves and investments (both college and retirement),” said Brian.
Utilizing the combined approach allows Brian and Megan to align on big-picture goals, and focus less on the little day-to-day purchases which can often spur arguments. “We hold each other accountable for the total dollar amount [in our shared spending and saving account] versus getting hung up on super granular debates,” Brian shared.
Keeping an open dialogue and awareness of where their finances are at every month has helped Brian and Megan get on- and stay on- the same page. They use a variety of apps (Brian recommends Albert®), to track spending by category and make adjustments to their spending.
So, What’s the Best Option for You?
It really comes down to the fact that only you know what is going to work for you. As Brian says, “Find a method that works best for you. So often I’ve been shocked how absolute organizations or people feel their methods are. Try to utilize everything out there for suggestions, but don’t feel judged if your method doesn’t align with ‘expert’ opinions.”
Just because you start with one strategy, doesn’t mean you can’t shift to another one depending on how your relationship (and finances) evolve. Linda and Jason started with separate accounts but are now looking into the combo strategy. Finding a method that works for you and your partner may take a little trial and error. Be patient yet persistent.
Most Importantly? Keep Talking! (Making it Fun Helps)
It’s no secret that we tend to create behaviors that help us avoid uncomfortable situations, and talking about money can be one of those “avoidable situations.” Both Linda and Jason know what that feels like, “As a couple, we carry a significant amount of student loan debt and have been living with a limited income for years. At times, this debt has felt crushing and has led us to want to avoid talking about it,” Linda said.
However, talking about money – even if it hurts – is critical to healthier relationships and financial success. Try making it fun! “We schedule time about once a month to discuss where we’re at in meeting our goals and to help make sure we’re on the same page. Since we are both pretty adverse to talking about our finances, we try to make it fun by making a special dinner and cracking open a bottle of wine,” said Linda.
At the end of the day the most important piece of advice is to keep talking with each other! All three couples reiterated the importance of keeping open and consistent communication flowing around money.
One more rule of thumb? Linda says, “Don’t discuss finances before bed…. just don’t…”
Do you use one of these money management strategies in your own relationship? Have any tips to spare? Share with us!
*Names were changed at the request of interviewees, but all quotes and stories are real.)
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interesting stories and this is perfect example that every person and couple is different so best method is different for every single person/couple!!!
My wife and I got married a few months ago, and so far we only have one joint checking account, but have retained out separate checking accounts. We monitor our finances together with the Mint app, which allowed me to add her email as a second way to be notified about spending. So far, it’s worked out. We also talk about our budget at least once a month.