This post is by our regular contributor, Kristi.
Couples fight. It’s only natural to bicker with someone you spend so much time with. Sometimes the fights are over silly things, like which way the toilet paper should face (over the top, in case you had any confusion), or where to load bowls in the dishwasher (on the bottom rack!). More often though, fights are caused by more serious discussions on topics about faith, family, and finances.
Pretty much every couple, or couple considering marriage, knows that finances are the number one instigator of marital problems leading to divorce. Finances are the big ugly elephant in the room for most couples, with some people even refusing to talk about them for fear of finances causing a problem in an otherwise perfect relationship.
A poll conducted by the National Foundation for Credit Counseling (NFCC), revealed that “68 percent of respondents held negative attitudes toward discussing money with their fiancé, with five percent indicating the discussion would cause them to call off the wedding.”
Especially if you are still early in your relationship and only theoretically discussing marriage, you need to discuss your finances with your partner. You don’t want to find out post-honeymoon that your spouse has no problem with excessive credit card debt or already has thousands of dollars in the red.
By learning to have constructive and beneficial financial discussions before tying the knot, you will be able to enjoy married life on the same page and with the same financial expectations. Even if you are already married, it’s never too late to start having healthy conversations about money.
How often should you discuss finances?
Once you decide that you will discuss finances, you need to decide how often should you discuss your finances. Should you discuss them daily over dinner? Maybe weekly or monthly, or perhaps only annually at tax time? The answer to that question really depends on what your financial situation is.
If you aren’t sure how often you need to meet, just take it slowly. Start out by discussing your monthly budget. If that isn’t enough, then start meeting once a week.
If monthly is too often, then try discussing your finances in depth, either quarterly, or even just annually if you feel that you have a pretty good budget in place and you’re making headway with your financial goals.
Plan ahead
No matter when or how often you decide to talk about finances, never spring a discussion about money on your partner, especially if you’re frustrated, angry, or looking to cast blame over an unexpected bill. Jumping at your partner and yelling will only put them on the defensive, and the discussion will most likely turn into a heated fight.
Even if something pops up unexpectedly with your finances, schedule a time to sit down and talk about the problem so that both parties are ready, calm, and coming to the table willing to discuss any issues and figure out a solution as a couple.
Honesty
Financial meetings with your partner need to be 100% open and honest discussions. There is no room for lies or half-truths about money if you want to have a healthy relationship. The only way to prevent finances from causing a rift in your relationship is to do your best to work on problems together, with absolute trust in each other.
Balance
Having a different financial dynamic, with one person a spender and the other a saver, can be good to balance your marriage and your financial decisions. If one person is keener on tracking expenses, it might not be as necessary to have a lengthy discussion on finances every week or every month.
As long as one person is able and willing to keep their partner’s finances in order, then that couple could probably get away with discussing their finances quarterly or only at tax time. If the spender in the relationship is driving the saver crazy with their finances though, then they will probably have to meet and discuss money more often.
What to Discuss
Once you decide how often to sit down and discuss your finances, think about some topics to talk about, besides just the monthly budget. Here’s a list of fifteen questions to help get you started:
- Is one person primarily managing the finances, or is money a shared responsibility?
- Is the job of financial management causing resentment?
- Are you happy with your finances being in joint or separate accounts?
- What are your personal goals?
- What are your goals as a couple?
- What are your career goals?
- How are you financially preparing to reach those goals?
- Do you want to start have (more) kids?
- Do you want to buy a home?
- How much income are you saving?
- What are you saving for?
- Are there unnecessary expenses you could cut out?
- Do you share the same risk tolerance level?
- What are your investment goals?
- When do you want to retire?
Only you and your partner can decided how often is often enough to keep your finances balanced and in check. Find your own perfect and unique rhythm for discussing finances in your relationship. If discussing too often is causing fights, discuss your finances less often. If going too long between discussions is causing resentment, distrust, or arguments, meet more often.
Do what feels right for you, just make sure you actually sit down and discuss your finances fairly regularly. Don’t let your finances remain the big ugly elephant in your relationship.
Use your financial discussions as a tool to strengthen your relationship and make it more cohesive. Most importantly though, don’t fear discussing finances with your loved one. Finances are only divisive if you allow them to be.
How often do you discuss your finances with your partner? What topics do you discuss during your financial meetings?
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How often “should” and “do” are very different things in my house. My biggest flaw is probably trying to always talk to my wife about money. I’m really trying to hold back, but I think at least a weekly check in is necessary to get you on the same page.
It’s easy to skip the money conversations if you start dating before anyone really has money. I would suggest always planning for the future as income hopefully grows. It’seasier to plan from the beginning rather than play catch up ten years into a relationship.
I’m a huge proponent of keeping an open line of communication when it comes to discussing finances with your partner. I think informal is good, but also having a formal time is even better. I tell couples that a weekly “budget meeting” is a good idea. During the meeting, you can discuss anything financial that needs to be talked about. I think this keeps transparency and goals in line.
To keep from arguing, my husband and I talk about money at least once a month (when we make a budget), and any time that we have to go off budget (like when our phone screen breaks) which is all the time. We don’t go over our money goals as often as that, but we try to remember to touch on our feelings about the goals whenever our feelings or our circumstances change.
I have a girlfriend that I don’t even live with and we talk money on at least a weekly basis. She’s fully aware of my FI goals and fully supportive. And to top it off she’s hopping on the train and loves the idea. I think this is a way better method to use when discussing money, as some people don’t even know if their spouses have debt until they’re married! Which I find ludicrous.
We try to talk about money casually as a way of dreaming together. This tends to happen at least once a month. We may discuss our goals, direction, and motivation as well as the details of how we might save money or what unusual expenses may come up soon. This helps us stay motivated & on the same page.
These are awesome points that definitely need to be discussed within any marriage. I think the most important one is honesty or not hiding purchases or expenses from one another. Even though my hubby and I are on the same page financially speaking and I don’t shop extravagantly, I can’t imagine trying to hide purchases, etc. from him.
My hubby and I discuss money casually almost daily, but formally two to three times a month. I am a big proponent of money dates and scheduling time to review your goals and make plans for the future.
Great tip;s, Krisi. I think honesty and balance cannot be overstated in their importance to money talks between partners. So much financial infidelity occurs and it can cause irreparable damage. Chris and I talk about money almost daily (he is less enthused when I want to give him blow-by-blow of the current stock market situation over dinner) and have similar money philosophies, which helps too. But even partners where one is a spender and the other is saver can find that balance and harmony if they talk regularly, honestly and focus on those shared goals to keep them connected versus arguing.
Both parties should have access to the budget at all times. Previously, I e-mailed Mr. Crackin a copy of the excel budget on a weekly basis (and actually still do). Now we use personal capital so he can login anytime and see transactions as they occur. Beautiful! We still talk about it frequently of course. Can’t go off the rails and make unexpected purchases!
These are great tips! While my husband and I don’t have a set schedule, we do find ourselves talking about our budget fairly often. And luckily we’ve always been on the same page about the big stuff – but open honesty is really the most important I think. And deciding together what is the most important thing your money should be going towards.
Mark@BareBudgetGuy I agree completely. Even if you don’t sit down to go in depth, having a weekly update is a great way to keep on top of things.
Eyesonthedollar Avoiding the money conversations is a sure way to cause trouble down the road. Honesty and openness about finances is important once you realize that you might potentially want to be in a long-term commitment with someone.
Financegirl I agree! Transparency is absolutely essential for a healthy relationship, especially when it comes to finances.
Hannah UnplannedFinance That’s great, Hannah. Going over finances, especially when unexpected costs pop up, is really helpful for preventing angry discussions down the road.
ferventfinance Not knowing about debt is ridiculous. That’s great that you are in such a supportive relationship!
Pretend to Be Poor Keeping goals in mind is so great for helping with motivation. It’s when we lose our motivation that we start to make poor money choices.
Christina@EmbracingSimple Absolutely! I would never try to hide a purchase from my spouse. Some couple find that they have a money limit for when they decide that they need to discuss a purchase before it happens, but deciding on that financial cut-off line with definitely help prevent fights about who caused who to go over budget.
blonde_finance That’s great! I am a big proponent of meeting formally as often as possible. It really helps you keep each other on the same page.
ShannonRyan I love that phrase “money infidelity.” That’s exactly what it feels like when your partner makes a huge financial decision without confiding in your or discussing it first.
Mrs Crackin the Whip Online resources like personal capital are great for keeping tabs on the finances with fewer formal money meetings.
MyUrbanFamily I agree! Do what works best for you and your relationship, but always have at least one financial goal in common. That way you are working towards the same thing.
In a way, if you think about it, almost everything couples discuss is financially related…in an indirect, roundabout way. Sitting down and directly discussing finances can be frustrating if both aren’t on the same page. It is a crucial element in a healthy relationship though.
And, yes, toilet paper over-the-top! Thank you! Now please tell my wife that’s how normal people do it!
PFUtopia Haha! Thank you! Validation in the eternal over/under tp debate =]
Great post. The 100% honest point is very important. The few times I have needed to “hide a birthday present” etc, I have just said “don’t look at the statement yet” and it has worked.
As for how often, I think a minimum of monthly for a good discussion, with more regular ah-hoc catchups. A little more or less wont hurt, the important thing is to be talking about it more than just when you have to.