This post is from our regular contributor, Erin.
Have you spoken to your significant other about your financial beliefs, values, and goals? Or have you let that conversation fall by the wayside because you’re too afraid to have it?
Bringing up money in a relationship can be difficult, but it’s an absolute must, especially before you get married.
Seriously, when I hear stories about how couples have married without having a clue has to how to manage their finances together, I get a little worried. You should never go into marriage blind – on anything!
With that in mind, I figured it might be a good idea to touch upon some important money questions you should ask your significant other. While it can be hard to get on the same page financially, it’s not impossible, and the earlier you do it, the better.
1) How Much Debt Do You Have?
I’m tempted to say this is even more important than “how much do you make?” Debt can be a big burden to carry, and it has a huge impact on your future and any financial goals you may have. You don’t want to find out about it after your vows are said, especially if it’s consumer debt (and it turns out your partner has a spending problem).
For how to handle debt in a relationship, this post provides a good outline!
2) What Financial Goals Do You Have?
This is a big one. You need to know what your financial priorities are, and which ones are most important. Why? Because if one of you has their heart set on buying a house and settling down in a few years, while the other wants to become debt free before moving, you might have a problem.
Relationships are all about compromise, but it’s easier to meet in the middle before you get too set on accomplishing your own goals.
I’m very lucky to have met someone who had the same financial goals as me from the get-go. We’re both focused on paying off our student loans, saving, and exploring. We have no plans to start a family or buy a house any time soon.
That wasn’t the story with my ex. He wanted to buy a house as soon as I graduated from college, start a family, and advance in his career, with plans for me to stay at home with kids. Quite the opposite of what my current situation is!
It’s imperative you discover what your goals are and work on how to achieve them together before marriage.
3) What Does Your Ideal Retirement Look Like?
Whoa now, we’re young adults here – who cares about retirement? How can we possibly know anything about what it will look like?
Yeah I know, we (sadly) can’t predict the future, but that doesn’t mean we can’t dream about it. I’m sure you have a vague idea of what you want your retirement to look like. A lot of people seem to have worked out their vision for financial independence in the comments of this post!
While our visions and dreams may very well change over the course of another few decades, it’s still important to bring up. What happens if your significant other doesn’t want to be a globetrotter in their 40s? What if they want to retire to the mountains, instead of the beach? What if they have no interest in retiring overseas like you do?
It’s better to know these things beforehand so we can adapt and adjust our expectations. This is even more important if you’re dead-set on early retirement at 35 and are steadily working to get there. Your partner may have zero interest in retiring early (mine couldn’t care less), and that can greatly affect any hopes and dreams you have of spending time together.
4) Do You Like Saving Money or Spending It?
Arguably, you can determine this from your partner’s actions, but it doesn’t hurt to ask them what they think. It’s interesting to hear others describe their spending habits to see if they match up with their actions.
A lot of times we’re guilty of thinking we don’t have any problems, when the reality is the exact opposite. Or people think their way of spending is normal, but we think it’s far from it.
This can create tension when it comes to managing your money together. If your future spouse is a spender and you’re a saver, they might not take too kindly to a strict budget or to you telling them what they can and can’t spend on.
Have a conversation about your spending and saving habits and be sure to hear each other out fairly. Each of us has grown up in a different environment and our upbringing tends to influence how we handle money. Be understanding of that!
5) How Are You Going to Handle Your Money?
In many relationships, if you combine finances, one person is primarily responsible for handling the money. For example, my mom always balances the checkbook, and my dad keeps an eye on the investments. In my relationship, I manage all aspects of our finances, but I make my fiance aware of everything.
I’m going to assume you have more of an interest in the financial side of things if you’re reading this blog, but make sure your significant other is okay with you taking the lead. In addition, you should make it known you’re open to ideas and suggestions if they disagree with how you conduct business.
While we’re on the subject, you should also talk about if you want to combine your money in the future or not. Some couples say they can’t function with separate accounts, while others swear by them. There’s no right or wrong answer to how you manage your money, but you should be in agreement about it!
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I hope you can see just how important it is to get on the same financial page as your significant other before it’s too late. You want money troubles to be the least of your worries in the future. Asking these questions now hopefully means less chance of money coming between you and your partner later.
What other questions would you encourage people to ask their partners before marriage? Did you discuss financial matters with your spouse beforehand? Why or why not?
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We had discussions before we married – we actually covered finances in our comprehensive premarital counseling. What I’ve realized is that we have diverged during the 11+ yrs since that time. We talk frequently about finances – don’t get me wrong – but we do have different goals. It’s also important to figure out how you’ll resolve differences. Even people who are lock-step now can find themselves at cross purposes 5, 10, or 20 years into the future. That shouldn’t necessitate a break up or divorce. Deciding how to handle those big divides is key to remaining happy!
These are great questions, and I would add that you should ask them regularly throughout your relationship. Life events and the passage of time change people, and these topics are important enough to cover over and over again. Even if you’re not a budget/money nerd, the emotional part of finances will keep you and your partner on the same page, and loving each other more.
These are all great questions and I think you hit the nail on the head. I tend to plow through my financial goals super fast while my bf might drag his feet at some things so we definitely work on compromising. I think it’s so important to discuss these things with your partner before getting married to eliminate any confusion.
These are all great questions. We thankfully covered many of these during our premarital counseling and it helped having a good understanding of where the other was coming from. I’d also add if the other person will help out in paying off debt the other person brings in to the relationship. My wife helped out with mine, but know there are others who want to keep it separate.
So important to make sure you are on the same page financially with your significant other. One of the main financial issues that my wife and I encounter has to do with spending. We both are great savers, but we value different things. When we do plan discretionary purchases we don’t always see eye to eye on how we should spend our money. At the end of the day it’s all about compromise and balance.
Financial issues are the top causes of divorce so it definitely is important to get on the same page before getting married. My wife and I were more or less on the same page…we’re both frugal. But we did go to a pre-marital counseling seminar thing where they gave us a list of topics/questions to discuss…some of them which you mentioned above. I think it was great to discuss this with your significant other…as often times, it’s not something that always comes up. It was very helpful to understand each other’s goals and mindset towards money and to formulate how you want to handle your finances when you get married.
I’d also ask what money lessons you learned from your parents or your family while growing up. Even if we like to be spenders or savers, those long-ago lessons can have quite an effect on us. They can also affect our present circumstances if family members will be asking for help, so it’s a good idea to talk about how you want to handle that as a couple.
indebtedmom I think people commonly fail to account for that. Our beliefs and attitudes are going to change over time, and knowing how to deal with that is definitely important. It always helps to be open and understanding throughout!
Hannah UnplannedFinance Yes, I’m a big fan of discussing your financial situation at least once a month (if not more) to stay on the same page, and to be aware of how things are progressing. I know my personal feelings toward money have ebbed and flowed over the years!
Chonce That’s a big one, too. My fiance and I differ in the way we pay off debt, but neither way is wrong, so we’re fine with that. We have discussed how it impacts out other goals, though, and compromises are sometimes made elsewhere.
FrugalRules It’s great that so many questions are covered in premarital counseling – hopefully it works for a lot of couples! The post I had linked to covers all the possibilities of how to deal with debt in a relationship – it was too big of a topic to cover here, but extremely important nonetheless, as debt can be a huge source of stress!
Financial Tour Guide Yes, same here. We value different things, and I am more of a saver, so it took a little more for me to meet in the middle. I’ve been coming around, though, especially since I can be a little too uptight about spending.
Andrew LivingRichCheaply Yes, it’s definitely good to hear that it comes up in premartial counseling. I just wonder how many couples go through it, and take it seriously enough! It’s slightly scary that discussions about money don’t come up for some people, but not everyone is as obsessed with personal finance as we are. =)
Gary @ Super Saving Tips Yep, I think it’s important to understand your partner’s background and how that has influenced them. Good point about also knowing their family’s financial situation, as that can be a burden at times.
I never discussed finance directly with my wife before we were married, but I feel very lucky that my wife and I have very similar financial values. But now that she’s a ‘stay at home mother’, she doesn’t have that same appreciation of wanting to retire early as I do, since she loves her day-to-day life! As long as I don’t do anything to jeapordise our current lifestyle, I’m certain we’ll have a very happy marriage, financial and otherwise :)
My hubby and I didn’t have a lot of money conversations when we got married but thankfully we have always had open dialogue and could talk about anything so as we have faced various money situations, we could work through them together. I think another question people should ask is what important career or life goals do you have? If someone has the dream of staying home or starting a business or something like that, you want to make sure that you have a plan to achieve those dreams otherwise resentment can build and resentment in a relationship is never a good thing.
Jason@Islands of Investing Interesting! For the most part, as long as you’re money conscious, I think you can figure out if you’re financially compatible with someone based off their actions.
Ha, I feel similarly. Being able to work from home is nice, though of course, it’s not guaranteed forever. That’s why I’m after financial independence anyway. =)
blonde_finance So true! I never thought I’d be freelancing, and there were (and continue to be) a lot of growing pains involved. Starting your own business or becoming a stay at home parent isn’t easy, and you both need to be prepared to make sacrifices for it to happen. It definitely helps to have a supportive partner.
Mr. Crackin’ and I have
always shared our long term financial goals but up until last year I seriously
wondered if he was a spender and thought he may happy working forever!He was definitely not interested in early
retirement.Me, I would have gone
extreme a long time ago.He has since
done a complete 360 and we are more united than ever.I do think it’s important to note; you can do
okay if you’re not on the same page as your significant other, but amazing
things can happen when you work together.
Mrs Crackin the Whip I definitely agree, you don’t have to be so much alike in your financial habits/beliefs that there’s no difference at all. I’ve seen the spender/saver dynamic work out, communication and understanding is key! I’m glad you two are working together now, though. It certainly makes things easier!
My husband had a bunch of defaulted student loans. Once we moved in together, I put us into repayment. He was happy to let me handle the money stuff.
Then it was just a matter of fighting over his numerous little purchases that added up big time. He’s gotten better over time.
AbigailP It’s nice when it works out that way and there’s no resistance with managing the money. Little purchases can be the worst…that’s why tracking expenses is so important. You don’t realize how often they’re occurring!
These are all so important! My husband and I were completely upfront about everything financially — we’ve also changed a lot as the years went on. Merging our finances was a learning experience even with preparation, but it helped to know that we had the same goals and ideas.
AlexandraRSF I think it’s normal for couples (or at least one) to evolve over time. Being on the same page from the beginning makes transitions a lot easier!
All great questions to ask. And ask about credit score too. Net worth doesn’t hurt to know either.
No Nonsense Landlord Yes, credit score and history are good to know as well as net worth! And if they don’t know what their credit score is, that can tell you something, too.